This... is a weird book. I read it as a kid and it really terrified me-- I've always been creeped out by horror that draws on possession and insanity, and this has that in spades. It also has fairies, aliens, creepy tentacled smoke monster things, gratuitous author namedropping, pretentious pseudoscience, and naked high school chicks. Woo! Let's get started.
Your first trip through the Stargate can be an unsettling experience, clearly.
We open with some kid named Jesse getting molested in his sleep by the smoke monster from Lost:"...when the tendrils from the cloud slipped down gently to touch his bare arms, Jesse felt no alarm. The touch was the softness of a breeze. It seemed to stroke his arm, and then the cloud descended..." Eek. Alas, just when things are getting kinky, Jesse is overcome by pain (...well, maybe it's still a little kinky) and awakens the next morning with a nasty welt on his leg. Don't worry, Jess, we've all had those nights.
Oh, by the way, the book informs us that Jesse has 49 hours to live. That's a weirdly specific number. Bye-bye, Jesse's hopes for protagonist status.
Our real protagonist is Dawn Jacobs. A feisty redhead, of course. We learn that she can't sing, is always late, and wants to be a writer. Character development! Her mother drops her off at school with a snide comment about her medical degree overqualifying her for the position of Dawn's chauffeur. Ouch. Then we learn that Mrs. Jacobs is always working and Dawn never sees her. Double ouch. Dawn's mom is a bitch.
Our heroine meets up with her two best friends, Carolyn and Candy. The alliterative duo "couldn't have been less alike," of course, because this is YA lit and nobody has friends they have anything in common with. Basically, Carolyn doesn't have a personality and Candy's a ho. She proves her skank credentials by criticizing Dawn for wearing the same blouse she wore last week, which is unacceptable because "guys like their dates in attractive wrappers." I will not make a pun about Candy's wrapper, because we here at Tales from the Yard Sale have a higher standard of integrity than that.
After this scintillating conversation, the girls (literally) run into Jesse Stern, walking dead boy. He looks "weird," with glazed eyes and messy hair. Crack is whack, Jesse. He wanders off, and the girls speculate about his odd behavior. Candy knows where his locker is because she hangs around the boys' lockers on a regular basis, apparently. Heh. Dawn follows him, after taking some shit from Carolyn about it, and arrives just in time to watch him open the window, calmly announce that he can fly, and jump out. He lands with "a squishy sort of crash." Ew. Nice knowing you, Jesse.
Dawn gets sent home after the incident (I'm calling it now-- Dawn's the killer and planned the whole thing to get out of half a day of school!), and the Cs stop by to check on her. Candy suggests that Jesse was on something, but apparently he was so straight-edge he didn't even drink coffee. Jesse was clearly an unnatural freak who deserved his fate.
The girls part ways and Dawn goes off to read. The author plugs Diana Wynne Jones for a while, which is actually pretty awesome. Props for having good taste, Mr. Peel. Dawn can't stop thinking about Jesse, though. She remembers having dreams where she could fly, even though it'd be crazy to think you could fly in real life. FORESHADOWING! Dawn's doctor mom comes home and breaks the news that Jesse's dead. Everyone's depressed. Mrs. Jacobs reveals that Jesse should have survived the fall, but his brain activity had inexplicably ceased, "as if his brain had been switched off." Spoooooky.
Everyone at school is sad about Jesse. Candy's so sad she stops being a ho. Dawn goes to English class, and this scene only exists to introduce some male characters-- Dawn's crush, Shane, who's "not a hunk exactly, but close to it"; Vince, his nerdy sci-fi-reading friend; and Mr. Belding, the OMGsototallyhott English teacher. Mr. Belding gives Dawn a book on some obscure medieval French legend about fairies or something, which I'm sure has absolutely nothing to do with the main plot and is not at all incredibly forced exposition. Mr. Belding is also totally flirting with Dawn, even though he's married. Sting would like to have some words with you, sir.
Meanwhile, Candy's acting weird and distracted. She says she doesn't feel well, and leaves gym early to go to the nurse and find out what STD she's managed to pick up now. When gym ends, Candy's clothes are in the locker room, but she's not. Uh-oh. They go out in the hallway and-- yeah, there's Candy, er, unwrapped. (Yes, I said I wouldn't, but screw integrity, I'm reviewing a book with underage naked girls in it.) Dawn goes down to intercept her, and she says she's dreaming. This sounds familiar.
Candy is rushed to the hospital, and Dawn bitches Shane out for staring instead of helping Candy sooner. Good for her, really. He says he was
Apparently, unlike Jesse, Candy's brain is active but stuck in a dreamlike state. She's dreaming but not sleeping, which is putting strain on her body, blah blah medical exposition. Shane calls Dawn and attempts to be all sensitive-guy, but it backfires because Dawn thinks he's just looking for info about Candy, blah blah romantic exposition. The next day Dawn tries to invite Shane to hang out with her after school, but geeky Vince invites himself along. Heh. As threesomes go, could be worse.
Dawn and Shane make small talk about Mr. Belding's lit project. The author really likes name-dropping-- mentions of DWJ again and Esther Friesner-- but can't spell "Steven King"'s name right. Shane recognizes the name of the village from Dawn's weird French fairy book, but can't place it. Of course he does. Shane and Dawn arrange a date, and Vince tries to weasel it into a double date with himself and Carolyn, who is apparently "cute in a weird way." Vince is a smooth talker. Somehow, Carolyn is resistant to Vince's manly charms, and leaves "before my brain goes on vacation." Ouch, too soon, Carolyn.
That night, Vince goes to sleep after reading a book on UFOs, and dreams about being abducted by aliens. The aliens inject something into his leg, and he wakes up with a red welt on his thigh. Ohshit. Vince thinks he's had a real alien encounter, though, and is all excited to tell the kids at school. Vince is an idiot.
Next day, more about how totally screwed Candy is, more about Shane and Dawn's stupid awkward teen romance, etc. Vince comes in with a shit-eating grin. "Maybe his computer had puppies," Dawn says. What? That doesn't even make sense. Shut up, Dawn. Vince tells everyone about how much fun he had getting probed, and unsurprisingly they all think he's on crack. Vince says he can prove it, and goes to drop his pants to show them the welt on his leg. Carolyn's horrified. Well, it worked for Candy.
Vince insists that Dawn get her mom to examine his leg, which means her date with Shane is off, but she agrees anyway. Dawn is a doormat. Dawn's mom agrees, because everyone knows ER doctors have nothing better to do than investigate a crazy high school geek's tales of alien abduction. The X-ray reveals a mysterious but seemingly harmless cyst in Vince's leg. Vince thinks this is proof that he was abducted, even though it totally isn't.
The next day, Carolyn gripes about how Vince is constantly harassing her for a date. She says if Dawn were really her friend, Dawn would get Vince off her back by asking Vince out herself. Nothing says friendship like guilt-tripping your best friend into dating your creepy stalker. Meanwhile, Vince has a new theory that Candy's coma was also caused by aliens. Everything's aliens with this kid. It's probably the aliens' fault he can't get laid, too.
Vince starts going nuts in English class, compulsively scratching his neck and tapping his foot. Finally he completely loses it and hallucinates that he's covered in bugs, clawing at his skin and ultimately running out in front of a truck. This part's actually pretty creepy.
After Vince's death, Shane shows up at Dawn's for some hot and heavy exposition. Apparently all three victims were honors students, and our junior detectives decide that they were targeted because of their intelligence and vivid imaginations. That's right, kids: if you're too smart, you'll die horribly. The More You Know! Or not, as the case may be. After briefly speculating about the possibility of a disease or a drug, Shane wonders if maybe it really was aliens. Aaaugh! He's possessed by Vince's ghost!
Mrs. Jacobs arrives to tell the kids something really gross about taking a bundle of parasitic nerve cells out of Vince's leg. Candy has the same mass in her leg, and the doctors think they can save her by surgically removing it. Right, that'll work. The next morning, Dawn is in class nervously awaiting news of Candy's surgery when hottie English teacher Mr. Belding suddenly passes out in front of the class. Dawn runs to tell the office and meets Carolyn, who says that Mrs. Belding has also collapsed. How romantic.
Shane and Dawn talk over this new development. Apparently unconscious teachers make Shane hot, because he kisses Dawn out of nowhere. They work out that everything started when the Beldings got back from their honeymoon in the French village referenced in that weird book about fairies that obviously was not a plot device. Apparently Shane knows a lot about pixies. Dawn may be barking up the wrong tree here.
Dawn's mom calls with news about Candy-- the operation was successful and she seems to be sleeping normally. Dawn realizes the operation was at exactly the same time the Beldings collapsed. She reads Mr. Belding's book, and has more sexy exposition time with Shane. The book describes a similar outbreak of madness and death in a French village in 1595, only back then they blamed it on fairies, and Shane and Dawn work out that legends of fairies and aliens might be attempts to explain the same source phenomena. Which is some sort of superintelligent Lovecraftian creature from beyond that feeds on dreams. It's actually getting into some pretty interesting paranormal and conspiracy stuff for a YA novel. On the other hand, what the hell.
Blah blah, more exposition, the Beldings are carriers, the last incident happened exactly four hundred years ago, etc. How will they ever defeat it? Dundundun. Meanwhile, Carolyn is having really inane thoughts about the whole situation. She thinks Vince went crazy because he was interested in "dangerous" things like UFOs and the paranormal. Screw you, Carolyn. She falls asleep feeling guilty, and is awakened by a zombified Vince, angry at her for rejecting him. Some guys really can't take a hint. Zombie!Vince sexually harasses Carolyn for a little while, then sticks his fingers into her thigh (get your mind out of the gutter, how did you think I was going to finish that sentence?). We know where this is going.
The next morning Carolyn realizes she's infected and starts to panic, but suddenly forgets all about the whole situation and skips off to school, humming. Creepy. She runs into Dawn, who is still trying to figure out how to fight the big bad fairy-alien-thing, and Dawn invites her over after school to explain her and Shane's crazy theories. Carolyn listens, but keeps humming and acting distracted, and reveals that she had a horrible dream about Vince. Dawn promptly tells her to pull up her skirt.
Carolyn refuses, and Shane pins her down so Dawn can examine her. Um... kinky? Of course, she's got the mark of the infection, but she insists nothing's wrong with her and keeps humming. Dawn determines that because Carolyn loves music, the parasite is making her hum and sing constantly. When Dawn's mom comes home, Dawn tells her that Carolyn is infected and needs the same surgery that saved Candy. Yeah... about that. Candy's dead, actually. She never woke up after the surgery. Well, balls.
Carolyn, now completely lost in her own world, is dragged off to the hospital, and Dawn's mom says that there's no chance of saving her unless they find out what's causing the infection. Shane and Dawn tell her their theory, and in what is actually kind of a refreshing twist, Mrs. Jacobs actually listens and doesn't automatically tell them they're crazy. She says though she doesn't believe it, they've at least approached it scientifically, so it can be tested. I'm sorry I called you a bitch, Dawn's mom, you're actually kind of cool.
Because this book didn't have enough medical exposition, here's some medical exposition. The Beldings apparently had two heartbeats when they were checked into the hospital after fainting. Dude, they're Time Lords, that explains everything. Dawn is convinced that the Beldings are infected, but unless they agree to be tested there's no way to prove it, and the parasite is exerting enough mind-control to convince them they're fine. Etc. etc.
That night Dawn "dreams" that she can walk through walls, floats into a golden passageway, and meets some guy who looks like Legolas. Dawn realizes she's half-naked in front of a hot elf and tries to leave, but Legolas magically transforms her nightgown into an expensive gown. He then reveals he's one of the Fair Folk and Dawn is their guest for the night. He takes her to meet King Oberon, Queen Titania and Lady Ariane, who seems hostile, apparently because Legolas is her boyfriend and Dawn's totally cockblocking.
Dawn settles down to enjoy the feast, then realizes, duh, this isn't real, it's the parasite. She freaks out, waving a knife and tearing her dress, and finally stabs Legolas. The elf princess, Ariane, attacks her, and the fantasy dissolves, leaving her in her room with the parasite-- no, parasites. 'Cause there are two. And they're trying to breed. Yeah. Dawn's paralyzed and helpless, and the second parasite succeeds in infecting her.
She wakes up in a panic, but quickly steels herself to fight back. Out of nowhere she suddenly realizes that the creatures must be sensitive to light, which is why they come out at night. I thought they came out at night because, you know, that's when people are sleeping and dreaming, but okay. She calls Shane, who insists that she go to the hospital because she could start hallucinating at any time, but Dawn, already high on the alien fairy juice, thinks she can take on the parasites and runs off.
Shane goes looking for Dawn, and wakes up her dad, who's grumpy in the morning. Dawn's gone, and she took her dad's gun. Well, shit. Shane figures out that she's gone to kill the Beldings. Perhaps a bit of an overreaction, but hey, it'd probably work. Dawn confronts the Beldings at their house, accusing them of bringing the parasite back from France with them. Couldn't they have just gotten some berets or something? The Beldings, of course, think she's nuts, and Dawn proves she's totally sane and rational by pulling the gun on them.
Dawn rants about killing the parasites before they kill her, and just as her finger tightens on the trigger, the parasites leave the teachers' bodies and revert to their gaseous form. Dawn screams at the Beldings to open the blinds, and the creatures, burned by the light, take the rational course of action-- possessing the cat. Dawn tries to shoot at the cat, but Mrs. Belding won't let her, and it gets away. Dawn chases after the cat and is tackled by Mrs. Belding-- to save her from getting hit by a car. The car that just hit poor Bandit the cat, killing him and the parasites. The welt on Dawn's thigh is gone, she and Carolyn are safe, no one else will be infected and everyone lives happily ever after. Except the cat. PETA hates this book.
So... yeah. That was Maniac. The title has nothing to do with anything... well, I guess it was sort of about people going crazy, but still. It's really original, I'll give it that. Vampires and werewolves and ghosts, you see those all the time. Not so much alien fairy gas cloud parasites. Alas. That would make a fantastic subgenre.
